There is often a huge difference in the way of thinking and behaving between men who embrace a D/s philosophy vs. men who embrace a Taken In Hand philosophy. Having been exposed to both types of mindsets and behaviors, I have been able to experience and observe my own reactions as a ‘submissive’ woman to these differences.
My experience has been that men in D/s relationships are often terribly focused on and obsessed about their own needs. It's as though they are attracted to a submissive woman because they think they can train her to be exactly what they want. And what they want is mainly a servant whose life revolves around the man and his whims. They want total submission for the most self-serving of reasons, and they are not especially interested in what the woman wants. Of course, this is not true of all such men, but I've seen this far too many times.
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| 2. The good of the relationship |
For me, it just doesn't work. I cannot be ‘trained’ like some animal or pet to be fit into some kind of mould. I am a passionate, caring and warm human being. I need to be cared for and nurtured. I need to feel loved and appreciated. Any discipline needs to be for my good and the good of the relationship in general.
This is where Taken In Hand comes in. Taken In Hand is about both people, not just the man. It stresses mutual enjoyment and pleasure rather than being all about the man's pleasure. It's not about rules, protocols, ‘training’, servile submission or slavish obedience. It's about two people caring about each other and creating a dynamic that works for both of them, that helps both of them to get their needs met, and it's more flexible. The Taken In Hand man nurtures, loves and appreciates his woman and always keeps the good of the relationship in mind, and this benefits him as well as the woman in the long run, because the relationship is better.
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| 3. The results are so worth it!|
It's sort of sad that so many ‘dominant’ men don't see this. In assuming that the woman is there primarily to serve the man, and thinking that they can just get what they want by enforcing it or micromanaging, they make it impossible for the woman to get her own needs met, This can stifle the woman's spirit. She can become weak, dependent and unhappy. In the long run, this will only become a burden to the man and probably cause the relationship to end.
Taken In Hand takes more work for the man than just thinking about himself and his own needs or enforcing a lot of rules because he is the boss or the ‘Dominant’. It takes dedication, persistence and sensitivity. But the results are so worth it!
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| 4. Taken In Hand dominance |
I've experienced the nurturing, considerate Taken In Hand dominance I described above, and know what type of response this sort of nurturing/guiding engenders. It causes me to be soft, caring, competent and happy in all areas of my life. I flourish. The Taken In Hand man has no need to fear that he will not receive everything for which he longs! I'm like putty in his hands! I find that I naturally endeavor to please him in any and all ways. He has my respect and devotion. I have no need to be owned, or kept on a leash. He has already won my heart, mind and soul!
Why settle for a fleeting, passing experience only to go to another similar pattern or cycle of interaction? The Taken In Hand man will skillfully learn his woman's needs and minister unto her. Is it weak of him? NO! It takes a ‘knight in shining armor’ to step up and master the course of a relationship. He needs to be discerning, wise and careful. He must be able to give and to love. That is never a weakness, it is the greatest strength one can possess.
As I said, I had it, in part. I know it exists. It may be hard to find. But the Taken In Hand dynamic really works.
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This is quite beautifully stated. I have never been in a D/s relationship, but from all I have read, I wouldn't want one. The Taken In Hand dynamic is much more graceful, much more mutual, and allows both parties to serve each other.
I think it was in the book The Surrendered Wife that I read the following simple statement: "A man wants to please his wife." So simple, but once I began to look for that impulse in the man I love, I was blown away by the potential power of that impulse.Men DO want us to be happy and will "swim the deepest sea" to do so, even at the expense of their own preferences and comfort. And I can make my man happy in return by letting him follow that manly impulse, and letting him lead our way. Everyone wins.
How lovely what you just pointed out! ... I guess we have to learn to value who we are and what we offer in a relationship. Being feminine or "submissive" doesn't negate the fact that a woman needs to be loved, respected and cherished as well. And according to what you have read, a man has an innate need to please his woman. I once read it as him perceiving that he has "won" a "prize."
I think it casts a new perspective on how a "submissive" woman can view the gift she offers.
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| 7. D/s in its full perspective|
Despite the fact that Taken In Hand women don't necessarily regard themselves as being submissive, I personally see Taken In Hand as a type of dominant/submissive relationship and think that to say that D/s is all about the dominant man is taking a very narrow viewpoint.
Probably most relationships have some shade of dominant/submissive in them, whether it is simply "who wears the trousers" or deference to the Head of Household or something based on BDSM or the very rare ownership situations. Within Internet-based BDSM there is a large number of 'dominant' individuals of both genders who are indeed just out for their selfish short-term interests. I suspect they are not that many but are very noticeable because if they get a partner at all, they won't hold them for long so will soon be back looking to mess up someone else's life.
As you rightly say, a relationship where a man is only caring about himself and not his partner is not going to last long. A selfish man is just that: he's not being dominant in a relationship, even if he is domineering. He normally won't have a D/s relationship because it won't last.
So let's forget the lazy fools who just want it all their way, whatever the consequence and not assume that everyone who has, or says they want, a D/s relationship is wanting something short and unpleasant. I see Taken In Hand as a branch of D/s even if people don't like the labels of dominant or submissive.
| 8. Taken In Hand type relationships|
Whether they are unusual or not I don't know, but the thing is, what is a 'taken in hand type relationship' because it seems to mean so many different things to different people.
Some people, for instance, seem to be keen on rough sex and rape and stuff, which would terrify me, to me that sort of brutal stuff is the very antithesis of a Taken In Hand relationship, but a lot of women seem to love it.
And then there are women who apparently are turned on by the idea of being kept perpetually pregnant, or of breastfeeding their husbands, which again for me would be a total turn-off, I've no desire at all to play a maternal role to my husband, and again that doesn't to me seem at all Taken In Hand. But it is to some.
And I'm really into spanking but there are a lot of women for whom spanking is a turn-off, and they don't want that in their relationship at all.
So what is a 'Taken In Hand type relationship'? and how do you figure out how many people actually want one, of any kind? They may not be all that unusual, but I suspect that they are still a minority taste, whatever kind they are.
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